Donald Trump renames Alaska Airlines to American Airlines.

“It’s time we had an airline that represented our own country,” the President told reporters. Officials say the announcement reflects a bold misunderstanding of both the airline industry and the United States. “There are two pretty big things we're gonna have to break to him,” said one aide.

Sports

NFL CONFIDENT TUA’S NEW GUARDIAN CAP WILL PROTECT THEM FROM LIABILITY

The NFL has cleared the Atlanta Falcons QB to start the season under one condition: he wears a custom Guardian Cap made from reinforced tanker steel and an entire California King Mattress.

Asked if his concussion history had him worried about a future CTE diagnosis, Tua responded by falling asleep.

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Lifestyle

HAND MODEL BORN WITH SIX FINGERS TIRED OF BEING MISTAKEN FOR AI.

Hailey Benson, 34, claims that ever since the birth of AI her modeling rejections have become a tad more vicious. "I used to not book jobs because I was a deformed freak," Hailey tells us, "but now my photos are being called slop." Many freaks born with abnormalities have been facing similar backlash recently due to the 'AI slop' epidemic. "It's not just AI that churns out disgusting pig trash, God does too", Hailey added.

Local

MAN SEEN WAITING FOR CROSSWALK SIGNAL KILLED BY PEDESTRIAN WITH KNIFE.

An unknown man who was seen standing awkwardly at a stop light waiting for a 'walk signal' even though the light was green, was stabbed to death seconds later. Witnesses say the signal changed to “WALK” just moments after, adding an unreasonable amount of salt to the fatal wound. City officials responded by saying that jaywalking is down a considerable percentage.

Daily Cartoon

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The Yank

Introducing The Yank - a weekly late-night deep dive into the headlines that deserved a second look… and probably a better explanation.

Hosted by The New Yanker’s own Jake Yanker, the show breaks down the week’s biggest stories and delivers them the way they should’ve been told the first time.